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So obscure." Then I'm like, "Is thereanything else you're into? [laughter] And so I was 15when that happened, and I was traumatized,and at that point, I was like,"I just want to find real love "attached to a real,actual person that isn't my brother," and it happeneda few months later. And she was like,"I don't like the idea of something inside me," and I was like,"Okay, that sounds great. [laughter] By the end, I didn't even wantto eat her out. I'm gonna--I'm gonna one-up you." So I went on the dating website"Plenty Of Fish." It's a dating website named for one of Jesus'lesser superpowers.
[laughter] And that is the worstpossible feeling, to realize that your brotheris a fucking douche bag but an incredible listener. She was like, "This is great,"and I'm like, "Yeah, it is," and I'm like, "So--sowhen are we gonna do it? You know, "getting busy,""do it." No one who's actually fuckingsays those things, just horny teenagers. Like, all you have to say is, "I think your dick is too big." [laughter] I get to feel greatabout myself, and I'm stillnot gonna fuck you, because I'm not an awful person, and I'm just like,"Watch out, ladies. " So we just sit there the rest-- the rest of the day, and we last together for--for one more year. [laughter] There were glimpses of it, but because I never gotto truly see it for what it was, I gave it a power and wisdomit didn't deserve. I called her about a month later to see how she was doing. I think it was youthe whole time." And I was like, "All right,"and I was upset, but then I was like,"You know what, though?
Is that not the mostdisgusting handshake you've ever feltin your life, right? I'm first gonna tellyou about the first time I ever said "I love you." It was in an AOL chat room, of course. My screen name was Poetic15, because I was a poetic15-year-old, and I wanted the worldto knows it. " She's like, "I knowmany things about you, including your father'scredit card information." So then I have to type out"Oh, my God," because "OMG"hadn't been invented yet. I completely understand." Wait, isn't shethe protagonist now? It--that is nota good combination when one person's prudish and the other is respectful. So I'm gonna talk youthrough the years of our relationship. There's just an old man outside like, "No one goesin the Gladys factory." Her name--her name was Gladys. It'd be likeif your first movie was all four Michael Bay"Transformers" movies. She was--she was intense-- she, like, smacked my balls.
And the reason why is, I am perpetually nervousand terrified, because my experienceswith women, growing up, were awful. " She's like,"You and your smile," and I'm like, "I love you." 27 minutes in. And I was like,"Why don't we meet up at a coffee shop sometime? At 164 Paradise Way." I'm like, "How do--how do youknow where I live? And I--I met a girl named Beth, and we started to go out, and we're sittingon a pickup truck one day, making out. Let's stay together," and we did,for six more years. Now, the weirdest partabout this is being able to lookat these women and just see them go,"Yeah, I could believe that. I was like,"This is gonna fuckin' happen." 2001, got my hand overthe right boob, over the shirt. [laughter] And I was like, "I'm gonnafind myself a woman who's seen some things." I found-- found a woman named Gladys. The Gladys factoryhasn't produced new product in over 35 years. She--she sat on my face, which after not seeing a vaginafor six years, and then just seeingtoo much vagina. " And you know what, like,it was crazy at the time, but it was perfect,because at that point, I was like, "You know what? I'm going to throw it away." Thank you so much, guys.